THE PILGRIMAGE OF HEART
Pilgrimage of heart is a pathless path, asking for intimacy with every feeling and emotion, to know the deeper wounds, honor our human ache, agony to grow and expand joyfully in our inner landscapes, to be empowered and move through moments courageously. To say “YES” to live authentic, free and loving. To say “No” to bondage, people or situations that feel not right for us.
In 2008, I surrendered my Human will/Ego Power to Divine Will, at the time, I did not know what really the surrendering means. I just knew I need to follow my heart and against all odds and losses, staying truthful to my inner reality. My human life as I knew it was over. In a less than 6 months I was stripped off from all earthy ties, from having a job and home, to my closest friendships and relations. I also traveled half way across the world with all left from my life, to also lose my heart to a love beyond my understanding, to meet a Shams as Rumi put it so beautifully and profoundly, to be provoked, burnt and fell into yearning and longing beyond anything I ever experienced prior of that. I began a the inner spiral into void, darkness and emptiness of rebirth to meet a True Self. It was involved a lot of alone time, meditation, being in nature, going through a deep physical and emotional rebirth and a lot more
This was how it began. Entering to Dark Night of Soul, where there is no place to hide, letting the walls of safety and security came down and open up to unknown mystery of living in now.
Since 2008, almost 11 years that I began the path of devotion and surrendering to Divine. With all sort of twists, learning and let goes. The complete surrendering arrived as a new moment in June 2017 asking for complete death of personality, identity and attachments. I began truthwalking from Larnaca/Cyprus after another let go and detachment from all earthy possessions and attempts to SAVE my life. I had $300 and a ticket back to London, but somehow I ended up North France! My half transformed life needed to become whole and Divine love pushed me out of all comfort zones, negotiations and compromises into homelessness and vulnerability of a bare walk on Earth.
Some of us have the opportunity to play many roles in one life time, mine for sure is widely orchestrated to experience as many as one could! I was born into privilege and comfort of my middle eastern family lineage and heritage until I left mid twenties to live an independent life in west. I started that journey with $200 and a one way ticket to Los Angeles in 1994. I was very focused on material life as my upbringing and mind set only believed that success comes through financial achievements and social recognitions. At the time, even though my soul constantly tried to take my attention from outer world to inner truth, I did not want to hear from her. I was so afraid that what I knew since early childhood came true and I have to offer my life to Divine will and follow my true destiny which is being an empty vessel in service of AWAKENING. I tried many hats and roles over the following years, from serving customers, and becoming executive assistance and manager in high profile corporate and hospitality organizations. In 2008, when I no longer could play the game of pretend and my inner reality was in deep suffering and pain, my life from a very busy social life and luxury standard, suddenly transformed to have No-Thing, and walk in charity shops’ cloths, with less than $5 in pocket, and have no bed and a place to sleep and rest.
At the beginning it felt, I have lost all controls over my life, in time, at soul level, I came to a new realization. I began a walk without a map, or a guru. Leaving all possessions and relations behind, no safety net. No traditional sense of work and no income, without a knowing of my next stop. My doings began reshaping by following my heart. The centre of power moved from mind to heart. Gradually the walk transcended from surviving mode to become a Pilgrimage of Heart, fully engaged with heart’s voice in present, meeting every emotion and thought. I opened up to ask for support from Universe, even though I know now, I am the universe, at the time, I could not see and feel I am the flow, others still had a play as an outside reality, so strangers became sisters, brought gift of love, acceptance and as life waves brought us together to share a day, week, months even, tides also took us to different destinations and experiences. It was not just my pilgrimage, it became OUR Pilgrimage.
Surrendering myself to what it is became a daily practice, I became more an observant of all happening in and out of my physical borders. Undiscovered parts of my being became activated, unhealed wounds began their healing journey into peace and contentment in face of everyday. I found myself in a deeper love, every encounter and meeting became purposeful, sacred and educational. I stood and sat two days in one place without a moment of sleep, still my human faculties were fully alert and functional. I carried a 20kgs suitcase, yoga mat and back sack gracefully over 100 different stops, cities, airports, houses and hostels. I slept in white soft sheets of comfort and not so comfortable moist grass of park’s ground. I was at receiving side of thousands $ that made this walk bearable for my physical vessels, to rest and have time to process it mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
I lived few days with just a few dollars, two chocolate bars and three green apples. I have experienced and still do moments, hours, days of delight and bliss, walking and gazing into Sun, clouds and listening to waves of ocean and be thankful for everything I AM and I have. I also sat in despair, with fearful thoughts and emotional struggles, in tears and so frightened to even breathe. I knew ending my life could not be an option when the entire purpose of this surrendering is to be AWAKEN, to see no separation and be free. Every moment became a practice to be a Master, an artist, to Be here, fully in Present, In Now.
Body moved between different spaces, like being moved by tides and ebbs. A Gradual or a sudden move from the space of solitude into a fast whirlpool of events and unpredictable changes, fast decisions and accepting the ones that I have no power over controlling them.
At some stage, I tried to start my work whatever it feels right, I always liked to be busy and enjoyed all sort of activities which I could release my life force and create beauty, mystery and also have the possibility to bring people of the world closer to each other. Sometimes, I taught mandala Art, other times Cook for my hosts, help with gardening, or gave them shoulder massage. I always acted from my heart, without any expectation and if I felt disharmony or my integrity was challenged, I always chose freedom and walk out gratefully from the space that no longer felt nurturing and balanced.
I came to this world with one vision and that has been unity since early childhood. I always felt our world needs to have Hope and Determination that we ALL can live happily and peacefully together. The deeper I dived into my being, the more I was certain I have to find courage and strength to continue my walk on earth, to be an example and one day when I Am ready, return and offer my gifts, but the longer I walk, the less it made sense. Today, I only can be here, in silence, words have lost their meaning, as essence/truth is like a fragrance, like a floating cloud, like a poem whispered by wind over a rose garden, could not be captured by anything, only heart could feel and hear it.
Eventually, I noticed, something inside me wants to happen, a union, a marriage between frequencies and energies, a feeling of wholeness, something completely new and unfamiliar and I am not giving enough space to it, either by fear or control, somehow my mind was interfering as I wanted to quickly choose and control the direction of this inner experience and back on the saddle and return to the world and end this home-less state and constant going deeper into vulnerability of being in present, in the body, heart, being Light. One of the biggest challenges and senses of separation was asking from Others, for a shelter, food and donation to support this uncontrolled flow of life, as current of this pilgrimage, across the globe. That also needed to evolve, the perception of seeing my life that way. The moment, I began trusting and seeing perfection in all happenings, the original wound of Being born in/through HUMAN BODY began its healing process and physical reality adjusted her reflection. A new harmonious state arrived in the Heart. The Heaven on Earth began to manifest.
Each soul on this planet has a purpose, soul signature and calling and taking the soul journey at this level of acceptance and allowing was part of mine. The time arrived that my mind completely became blank and obedience to heart’s voice, inner space expanded into silence and life became free and effortless. Flow and happening become through synchronicity, and that is the way of universe, heave non Earth, the more we open to oneness and present, the easier it breathes through us, We are the Masters, and The ART of being is SURRENDERING.
Is surrendering our last refuge to give up control of Ego, personality? What happens, when you say” I surrender.” Something suddenly opens up, a flow, a softness. It feels you now can rest peacefully in what is either in front of you or inside you. We lose our borders, lines of beginning and ending. Suddenly, we feel more intimate with life. We know Ourselves as Life, in that moment.
Surrendering is a space to breathe into, become so soft and receptive to our true Freedom! Embarking the journey with no borders and no idea of faith or trust. No idea of here and there. No idea of control and resistance. It is our ideas that takes us out of Surrendering. In our Essence, we are free to be, to witness, to create.
Since June 2018 I travelled between Canada, USA , own to Arizona, LA, San Francisco, Seattle, Vancouver Island, Sunshine Coast and it has not been a day goes by without a lesson learnt, to open my heart into more love and gratefulness. All by donation, offering my being to life and embrace all, from a very fast whirlwinds and whirlpools along the Pilgrimage, to serene days of being wrapped in vibration of Nirvana. I met many beautiful souls unaware of their light, abundance, generosity, they opened their hearts and home to this humble travel and mystic, they kept my vessel safe and fed and in exchange they discovered the treasure of love within depth of their own being.
Ah, the beauty of love aches in my bones, the softness of gratitude and tenderness of surrendering to life as it is, has left me with not much of personality, habits and even desires. The joy of being alive, here and open, to feel the warmth of Sunshine and enjoy few hours rest on a bed than even is not mine and sometimes be attacked by bedbugs and wonder how I never knew some hostels can give you that as a souvenir!
I am grateful. All experiences brought me closer to inner divinity, to peace. To trust life and allow my breath to lead my human steps into daily activities or no action, just present, staying open. I faced many challenging events and situations, not having a place to stay at night on Santa Monica beach and no $ to buy food for two days, half sitting sleeping on a chair of a cheap motel after a long day walk and fear of being attacked/ rubbed in LA homeless areas. Traveling by Greyhounds bus from Seattle to Phoenix over 45 hours with many delays in over 40c heat, feeling all sort of energy, frequency and physically being so tired and sometimes lost in the world of emotions like crippling fear or loneliness, but looking back, I see and recognise all limited mind sets, self destructive patterns, behaviors and habits, that all left my life for good, I have become lighter and lighter.
There are new senses and as my visa in Canada is about to come to expiry date, (as I was writing these words, universe gifted me with a abundance and a one way ticket to Bali!!!) I feel a new journey is shaping, perhaps with more time for self nurturing, writing, creating, allowing life moves my body into then next chapter. In a meanwhile offering what moments bring into form, sharing a poem, a touch, dancing around fire and star gazing. All facets of life all loved and welcomed in a heart which is free and open.
Life is delicious, sacred and spontaneous. Enjoy the ride.
Additional Note: I am in Ubud/ Bali since 22nd March and magic still unfolding my path. It feels a deep home coming and for first time after 11 years travel with no belonging, this mysterious Island in Far East has been softly holding the space for inner marriage and rebirth of New Earth through my body and consciousness. Universe and I AM are coming to dance of freedom, to be authentic soul, in love of All.
If you find my journey inspiring and wish to support, please use the paypal bottom. Until a new work shapes and reborn in alignment with my heart frequency, your donation makes the living and safety of my body possible.